he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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