he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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