I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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