I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
