there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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