I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize