I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
