allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
