One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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