It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
