So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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