He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
