Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
