so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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