he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
