dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
