shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
