All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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