I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
