Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
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