someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
