Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Someone signed my nipple.
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