I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
