Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
