Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
