Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
