Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
