Sry I called you an 8
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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