i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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