i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
