I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
