and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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