I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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