My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
