why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
