You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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