I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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