Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
