I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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