I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
