well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
