Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
