The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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