id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Boobs are out for the taking
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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