Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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