Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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