You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
