I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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