you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
