your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
