Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
