My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
